Musing on Love and Life

It's nearly time to head back to Basingstoke for my last extensive summer (extensive meaning the 3 months they give you off in uni!)

I'm excited to see my family again. I'm looking forward to home comforts ... OK, mostly, that means free food. It's crazy, how little you appreciate how much food costs when you're young! Then again, once I'm earning a professional wage I'm guessing food costs will fade into insignificance again. It's just when you're trying to live off a student loan it's problematic.

Anyway, I was tweeting, and then I clicked on one of my sisters' friends profiles, and went to her blog, and as a result ended up another blog. I don't know if they want to be anonymous for their blog, but anyway. I wrote a long comment as a response, thought better of it, and decided to turn my comment into a blog, as it's something that has been occupying my mind for a while anyway.

This was the blog post:


"All my friends are around me.
I have my family close at hand.
My boyfriend loves me to the ends of the earth.

Then why is it that I feel so alone?
I read my friends blog, and almost her mind, and find that she's in love.
The girl who never would love in her life, is in love.
That makes me sad, because I am not.
I am going to be a lonely old maid with an acceptable job and a mundane husband, but without any outstanding ambitions or memories to console myself with.

I wish I had love that could set me free.
Strangely I feel it's at my fingertips, if only I were brave enough to turn my life upsidedown and grab it.

And even then I think I am kidding myself with my own imagination and ridiculous thoughts.
Like anyone would turn their life upsidedown for me, leave everything they had on a whim, just to give it a try.
That's fantasy fit for a fairytale - definately not a story taken from my book.

It's not going to happen.
The supposed best summer of my life is going to deflate in front of my eyes because I am jealous and want to be wild.
I don't think I'd suit the crazy lifestyle.
I am simply plain. Plain Jane.
The girl who won't even get a backie home or jump a fence to get a rush.

I don't think I've felt like this in a while.

Someone set me free. "


This was the comment I wrote:

Dude. You're 18. When you're 28 you can complain about not being in love, perhaps.

The people you expect to stay together forever at 18 probably won't.

Life is strange, and surprising, and wonderfully unpredictable. You don't know when you'll meet that person who might turn your world upside down. You don't know that they will; they might creep unassumingly into your life, and suddenly you might just know you don't want them to leave, ever. And that could happen at any age.

Love, when you're young, can be taken light-heartedly, which is the best way to do it IMHO. But maybe I'm biased.

Treat the summer as it should be treated: an opportunity to have fun before the hard work begins. And despite the hype, it's not your last summer; uni ones have the same opportunities and excitement. No pressure (:



And I mean all that. When I was 18, I was in love. I was deadly serious about this guy. We were going to stay together, despite the distance between my university and our home town, where he was staying to work. We would stay together because I couldn't imagine my life without him, because I couldn't imagine loving anyone else more, because he made me wildly happy.

We fell apart after 3 months of a long distance relationship. We couldn't find the time to talk. Our interests grew further apart. My life was becoming medicine, and he just wasn't interested in the things that fascinated me. He told me he had no time to call, because he was at the pub with his new friends, and I disagreed that this was a valid excuse. We argued. We went on a break, a break that was never resolved, a break that became a break-up.

Yes, for over a year after this break up, we practically got back together when I was back in town, but I've grown tired of having the same conversation. Basically:

Me: Please can we get back together.
Him: I can't be bothered with this long distance thing. But come back down after your degree yeah?

The romantic in me thinks that if he wanted me, he would make that effort now. Whether that's my naive and idealistic view of love still hanging on from my youth I do not know, but I hope its not. I am clinging to this belief that love can overcome distance. Don't get me wrong, me and this guy were in love, as much as you can be I'm fairly sure. But I think people change, and with that, people can become incompatible. Who knows, we might become compatible again. But I doubt it. There's been too much hurt.

ANYWAY, am I stressing about the fact that currently I have no-one? Well, a little; I don't think I've been in this situation since I was 15, but not a huge amount. I'm only 20. That's not old. In fact, it's still a little young to be finding a life partner, however much I miss having a boyfriend at times.

Love is unpredictable. I think that's my current final assessment. Couples you thought would stay together forever, like me and my boyfriend, like two of my other best friends, break up. Couples you never saw working, who didn't make sense at first, can become great together. Finally, a person is not perfect. Accepting this, and still wanting to be with someone ... Not wanting them to ever leave ... Not being able to imagine your life without them ... That is love. And once you have settled into the person you will probably be for the rest of your life, I imagine that love will stick around, with some work from either party.

My final epic summer has begun fantastically, with one of the best weeks of my life in the Peak District. The weather was glorious, it was so much fun, and the company was some of the best people I know. I now have about a month of working before going to China!! Excitement!!

Musings done for now.

xxx

Why my Easter is going to be boring

I've decided it's time for another attempt at this blog malarky. Mainly because I have an urge to rant about politics, but also because I am revising and feel I need another form of procrastination. At least this one allows me to practice forming sentences (a skill I feel I am losing with all this note making!)

So. It's April 2010. I'm in Basingstoke, on what is probably my last ever Easter holiday, as this time next year I will be on clinicals (fingers crossed!).
My life is currently dominated by revision. I have been doing OK so far, and mostly meeting targets, although I've been struggling a little, and it's a fairly easy subject I'm currently tackling (Clinical Laboratory Sciences) so it could all go Pete Tong yet.

My friendship group in Basingstoke has dwindled to say the least. When I lived here full time, I had a boyfriend, about whom I was very serious. I was pretty much set on marrying him. This meant that my friendship group mostly became a set of 4 couples:

• Me and James. Finished over a year ago. We're still mates. He's currently in Portugal on holiday.
• Kim and Joe: Kim is my Best Friend in the World. Joe is one of James' mates. They met through us, and were together for a long time, but broke up a few months ago. Kim is now in Turkey, working as a beauty therapist (and I miss her loads already!) Joe is returning to Uni on Monday.
• Lissy and Sam: Still together. If they ever break up I will lose my faith in love. They are also returning to Uni on Monday, and have lots of work to do, so I haven't seen them hardly at all yet. Bad times.
• Dave and Adele: Still together (we'll ignore the blip). Dave now lives and works in London. Del's family moved away to somewhere near Gatwick (the place name refuses to stick in my head) so I very rarely see them. This makes me sad.

In addition to these couples, my other best friends were Steph (who is currently lambing for her RVC course), Maller (who is back from Scotland til Wednesday) and some others like Jordy (who I sadly haven't seen in ages).

The point I am trying to illustrate is that in a week, my only best friend left in Basingstoke will be James. I'm wondering how and why this happened.

Still, I'm planning on a trip to Pompey to see Joe, Sam and Lissy. And hopefully it will benefit my revision.

Speaking of which, I need to learn about the molecular control of the cell cycle (joy of joys). My politics rant will have to wait.

x

Hellooooo summer!

SO I didn't really use this blog in my first year at medical school. Too busy trying pushing the cliche "Work hard, play hard" to its limits!

Results came through today, and I'm on a first overall, which makes up for the horrendous amounts of stress I tend to get during exam time. Apparently I'm also rather good at the slightly useless subjects, ie, Communication Skills and Public Health. Still, it seems I was also good at the coursework, which I'm hoping gives a positive prediction for dissertation writing! Anatomy was my worst of this round, and HDT my worst overall.

So my summer is now stretching out in front of me, revision free! I currently have very few plans, other than somehow get a job, and go to Reading Festival at the end of August.

My life has changed so much during this year. In the first blog post, I talk about the dreaded long distance relationship. Unfortunately, my (now ex-) boyfriend decided it was too much of a strain. We were together for over 3 years. Of course, finding out he cheated on you puts a different shine on the past, but ... well yes. Let's not go there here :) Seeing him tomorrow.

I also was dreading the blood tests necessary during the first week. I was right too; it took a good hour for me to finally let them stick that needle in my arm. Now, I feel somewhat like a blood test pro, as I've had A LOT of blood tests this past year. There are upsides to suffering from glandular fever and iron-deficient anaemia: my needle phobia is almost completely banished. This means I'm not dreading learning how to take blood in a few years time quite so much.

The friends I have made are amazing, and I'm going to miss them so much over the next few months!!!

I am looking forward to catching up with my Basingstoke friends though. Going to a bar with some of them tonight, good times.

Currently both my Nans are ill, one of them having just suffered a M.I. when on holiday in Switzerland (frustrating as we can't visit her), and the other one just getting to the point where her body is giving up I think. Visited her today, and it was a bit depressing :(

My current obsession is with McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy. I love that program. I also love understanding bits of it; there was a guy with Marfan's, and me and my best friend pretty much predicted his aorta problems, and got a bit too excited about it :P

x